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Friends - [9x18] - The One with the Lottery


The One with the Lottery [9.18][edit]

[The friends are about to arrange the lottery tickets, in a bowl at the breakfast table]
Monica: Okay, alright, here we go. So, we need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. So, does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] Okay, how about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
Rachel: [raising her hand] Ooh, I have another idea.
Monica: I'm sorry, idea time is over.
Phoebe: Okay, well, are all of the tickets in the bowl?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand?
Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand.
Chandler: Yes, there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago.
[Rachel goes to the nightstand to investigate]
Monica: [uncomfortably] No, you didn't. You must be mistaken.
Chandler: Honey, there are like twenty tickets on the nightstand.
Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!
[Rachel returns with a bunch of tickets in her hand]
Rachel: Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]
Monica: Okay, fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler.
Phoebe: [gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.
Ross: I can't believe this. I thought we were all in this together.
Monica: You just got in five minutes ago!
RossThree minutes ago! I don't know why that's important...
Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut. When did you get those?
Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic.
Joey: [sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how.
Rachel: Okay, well, Monica, suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?
Monica: Please. If I win the lottery, you guys are not going to leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of ya for three days!
Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her that what she did was wrong?
Chandler: [turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look like I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles, so SCREW YOU, THE TICKETS ARE OURS! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]
Monica: [jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]
Rachel: Alright, believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from us!
Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah. And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!
Rachel: Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets!
Joey: [snatches the bowl from Rachel] Yeah, I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf! Ha-Haǃ
Ross: [snatches the bowl from Joey] Then, I want mine, too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!
Phoebe: [tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!
Monica: No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!
Joey: Hey, heyǃ If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea! [snatches the bowl]
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the LOTTERY!

Ross: If we're going to do that, we should probably call me Daddy, too.
Phoebe: I like that, Daddy.
Ross: I, uh, I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe: Oh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy going to spank me?
Ross: Well, that depends. Have you been a bad g-- No, I can't.

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